If dating had mastery levels, I would be an amateur, but for some reasons I can't help but feel like giving advice today. Buckle down matey!
I'm not one to give sympathy out easily. Once I give all of my sympathy and advice to a friend I tend to back off if they're not using it. If I feel like I'm not making them any better, and they're only making me worse I just remove myself from the situation. So since I've removed myself from some, I'm giving my last two cents on this blog.
In the past while I've had a few friends who have dated, and had their hearts broken, over boys that were illusions. To quote my favourite movie Sabrina: "Illusions are a dangerous thing, they have no flaws." I always wondered, how are these girls not seeing what I'm seeing? He's an idiot, he isn't worthy of her, he doesn't treat her well. I think it was because I wasn't in the fantasy with them. I didn't see the boy for only the good parts like she did. It wasn't until after watching 500 Days of Summer this week (about 4 times so far haha) that I realized it was because their expectations weren't matching their reality.
They would build up an idea in their head. They would be able to change him. He was just going through a phase in his life and would treat her better once he wasn't so stressed out. And, my least favourite, their problems would go away once they got married. Man, sometimes I just wanna ultimate punch other girls in the face. Those are great expectations and sometimes giving the person the benefit of the doubt is a good thing, but in reality it's successful 2% of the time when dating like that. Yesterday I was talking to someone who's opinion I think very highly of. As we were talking about dating he brought up the idea of dating a phantom. They are not reality; these girls are dating boys in their head and not the one right in front of them because they don't want to admit what he is. The danger with such is that way as a couple they won't actually know each other, they will only know the idea of each other. He told me: "Sister Scott, for a successful relationship you need differences, but those differences need to be healthy and they need to be beneficial to the relationship." Listen here readers, if you're differences are toxic and irreconcilable get out. If he is not willing to change and you feel that you changing yourself holds back your progress then you thank him for the experience and move onto bigger and better things. Don't think that you have to ever make exceptions for someone that is not worthy of you. As he asked me about boyfriends I told him I couldn't compare them, because it wasn't fair. He raised his eyebrows and said, "Well how are you ever going to know if he's what you like if he's the only one your referencing to?" You have every right to compare, you have every right to decide what you like, and you have every right to decide what you don't like and stick to it. Everyone should decide on a reasonable standard that their future spouse needs to live up to and hold to it. Finally an analogy from my elderly friend,
"No Italian feels just one cantaloupe and then buys it. There needs need to be a comparison so you can tell what's good and what's not. You can't just put up with the one when there might be a better one to have."
I'm not Italian, but I agree with his words. Don't settle with what you have. Go and see what's out there so that you can either find something a little more appealing or you can see that what's right in front of you is the perfect cantaloupe, because someday the dream of being in love is going to be a reality and we're all going to have to make a pretty big decision. If we know him before hand, we will get to welcome reality with a handshake and a "hey how are ya?" but if we ignore reality and continue living in a fantasy it's going to welcome itself by crashing down on us; that doesn't sound too appealing does it?
If you don't know if you're relationship is right, my dear friend gave me three things to do to help make sure:
1. Do something domestic. (e.x. go grocery shopping, or wash the car together. He says if he comments on everything you buy negatively, that's a red flag.)
2. Talk about expectations you have for the relationship and expectations you have for yourself and how together you're going to make them a reality.
3. Honesty. Be honest at all times with each other in everything you do.
Welp, that was exhausting. I promise I'll keep the advice to myself for a while.