Time After Time

I'm always thinking about what has happened and what's going to happen, but rarely of what's actually happening. It takes all my mental will to force my brain to sit in the present and many times it's been far after an event that I will actually evaluate it because my mind is so much more comfortable focusing on the past. Today while I was sitting out in the sun my thoughts wandered on things that had happened, particularly missed chances, that I never looked twice at at the time. I thought of the boy in the wheel chair I walked by everyday on my way to class and how by the end of the street his arms were tired and he would struggle up the ramp carrying bags of groceries. I never once stopped. I was always in too much of a hurry or I was too tired or it was just too early for me to be nice to someone. I always thought, "Well maybe the boy behind me will help him." He never did. I will probably never get to see that boy and finally carry his groceries. I'll never get to make up for the all the times I let him struggle while I carried a two pound back pack and ate a granola bar with a skip in my step. 
I'll never get back the moment after a stranger cried right in front of me and told me about her son who died in Iraq. I could've comforted her, but instead I went to the library, curled up in a desk in the corner, and cried to myself. I could've told her about an eternal family, I could've given her hope, I could've made both of us feel better, but sadly I refuse to acknowledge the things I must do now and it's only made for a guilt trip in the future, followed by more excessive planning to make up for my bad feelings. Planning for the future can only do so much. You can never live in the future, so why keep your mind there? You can't just live spontaneously, or dwell on the past either. I think we have to include all tenses. I will plan for the future, I will act in the present, and I will remember my mistakes.




{why} did I have to get a sunburn 3 days before I leave for Mexico?
{why} is it that more sleep at night is making me more tired?
{why} are my days feeling so long but this summer so fast?
{why} is it all the fun plans happen when I'm feeling nasty?
{why} can't I remember how to spell anything anymore?
{why} the crap am I writing this post?


Just because.


I'm In The Middle Of A Drug War

Let me tell you a little about my summer employment. I am the mosquito larvacide dispensing operator; which actually just means I walk around and spray all standing water with a chemical that will most likely give me cancer and make me sterile. It's great. I wear hip-waders and basically hike all day long. Being surrounded by nature is one of my favorite things about it and I've realized that over the past two years I've actually gained a great nature repertoire of knowledge. I've learned what plant is what, what bird is what and it's call, and lately just how gosh darn cute baby deer are when they're brand new... I'm thinking of stealing one in particular and domesticating it as my pet. Anyways, to get back on track, I see some freakin' weird stuff. Animal skulls of every variety, snakes, giant spiders, you name it I've pretty much seen it... but I recently found something I never expected. I was walking along my usual trails (the whereabouts will remain disclosed for obvious reasons) when all the sudden I noticed this fenced off area. Why the crap is a fence out here in the middle of nowhere? I thought to myself. So I walked over and lo and behold I find: a marijuana grow-op. I quickly calculated the amount of money I could make by selling them (I dunno why that was my first thought?) then realized I was actually freaked out and booked it out of there. You see though, this is a prime area where I HAVE to spray at. It's pretty much mandatory. So I gingerly keep going back every single day and I am almost 82% sure the owners know I discovered them. The other day I saw a woman just standing a ways away from it and when she saw me she booked it to her greasy looking van and sped off. Then yesterday as I was returning to head to coffee break I noticed a man just standing by my truck staring at me... I am officially rattled. I actually today debated in my mind the pros and cons of the witness protection program; it's not for me. What's a girl to do when she's possibly getting sucked into a hideous drug web? This is just too weird.


"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."
-C. S. Lewis

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