A Really Long Post

(This post is all over the place.... sorry!)

Marriage has always been an absolutely terrifying thing to me. I mean, sure, my parents have been married for over 30 years and they're happy, but for some reason that never really convinced me that it was "my" thing. That level of commitment is horrifying. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of being stuck with the same person for, well, FOREVER. I will admit there were times where my pinterest was blowin' up with dresses and bouquets... but that can be attributed to the fact that I watch Four Weddings and Say Yes to the Dress every day.

It was easy to get excited about a wedding... but definitely not a marriage. I used to say to my girlfriends, "I just want a fake fiancé so I can have a ring and get cute pictures... " or "Wouldn't it be great if we got a wedding but didn't have to be married after?" If I could have had it my way I would've dated my boyfriends for years and years, never actually committing for the rest of my life. If you can't tell, I was... and am... really selfish.

I hadn't spoken to Scott for a looooooong time, and in all honesty I couldn't really remember anything all that great about him. I remembered that he was a ginger... and that was about it. I didn't want to date him, and when he repeatedly asked me to be his girlfriend I gave him a definite no. I was confused, he was frustrated, and the situation was just a huge mess.

 But the weird thing is that just seeing him a few times I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop noticing how kind and happy and generous he was. It was so easy to be around him, and when we were together it was like I never stopped dating him and we were the same. Then again, we were also different. I was more willing to say I was wrong and he wasn't such a push over. We had both grown up and like a typical RM he was ready to get down to business. I remember him repeatedly telling me, "I'm not messing around here Kels... So you shouldn't be either."

So then all of the sudden I was dating him, and then I was telling him I loved him, and then he wasn't going down to BYU anymore. Things were happening fast and, pardon my french, I was crapping my pants. I had the feeling like I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve to be happy and in love and I didn't deserve these kind of things to happen to me so quickly. I remember having daily panic attacks wondering what people were going to think of me. What would they say? Do they think I'm crazy? Am I crazy? As I let criticism and hurt enter my heart I noticed that it was impossible for me to have love and happiness in it also. Finally one day as I was fretting about what people were saying or about what they thought I had the distinct thought come into my mind saying, "When it comes down to it, do you care what they think or what Heavenly Father thinks?" I had a good long prayer and I remember feeling so peaceful over this guy.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I cared more about what acquaintances had thought of me. I had gotten my answer. I knew it was right to be with Scott, and I shamefully admit that I doubted that simply because of what people, who didn't really know or love me, were saying about me. After I realized that, the ball just started rolling. I finally accepted that I wanted to marry Scott, and all of the sudden I was the girl who wanted a marriage. ME!! WANTING MARRIAGE!!!! 

So basically here we are. In almost lightning speed I have gotten engaged, and I still can't believe it. It's not so fast considering we dated for two years, right? At least that's what I tell myself to ease the left over committment fears that are piece-by-piece disappearing. Although, I can honestly say that since a wedding has been made a reality, I have zero interest in actually planning one. I'm not kidding. Did anyone else experience this? It is not fun. Center pieces? Who cares! Food? People can bring a lunch! haha, just kidding... Consider this my offer to whomever: will you be my wedding planner?

I seriously love this guy. Just yesterday I made him dinner and we sat down to watch The Bachelor. He was so enthralled and I laughed so hard over this. He was honestly so concerned for these girls and when Ashlee went off he looked so thoughtful and heartbroken for her, because I think he is the only person in the world who fell for that tear-stricken video for Sean. "You know, I really think she loved him Kels...." hahaha he kills me. Right before I came back to Canada from reading week my grandpa sat me down and said, "Kelsey, that man will make you laugh for the rest of your life. He will always love you." It was a tender moment, and I'm happy to say that I really do think that will be the case.

Oh, and P.S. as of now Scott's dead set on Catherine, and I am too. You go girl!

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