Stuck In the Middle With You

I'm an 'intro' person of sorts: both introspective and introverted. I would write down a third word starting with "intro" because I'm OCD like that, and I may have just googled "words that start with intro", but alas I don't think I'm very 'introfying', whatever that means. (Just looked it up, and it is 'to increase the impregnating power of '.... hmmm...)

But yes, let's just talk about introspection, haha. I am a very restless person, and I often feel better after some inward thinking. I am one of those people who wanders the library or the streets just thinking, because it helps me to relax the crap down. I don't know how it happened, but today I realized something very monumental about myself while I was walking around campus. It was cold out, and I was wearing a giant sweater that made me feel very "college-y", and it seemed like the school was dead-- probably because it's spring semester, but nevertheless it was very peaceful and quiet. All my best thinking happens when it's a tiny bit chilly and I'm surrounded by silent brick buildings I tell ya!

I thought about how I've been feeling lately. First off, last week was a whirlwind for me. I finished classes, my sister-in-law had a baby, my friends got married, and my cute grandmother passed away. This week, some friends had babies, and others announced they were having babies. All these beginnings and finishings, and I couldn't help but feel like I didn't fit into these things. When I heard some friends were expecting, I silently cried in bed as Scott slept on the other side. Not that Scott and I are actively trying to have a baby, but for some reason I started to feel very left out. I felt like I was missing out on some special new adventure. For the next few days that reaction  was really bothering me. I didn't understand why it got under my skin so much, and thus started my most recent introspection session.

The trees around campus are just starting to bud, and the air feels like it's holding onto winter just barely enough to not let you go without a coat and joyfully lounge around outside. It's a really dampening feeling, but today it kept my senses sharp. I wasn't distracted by anything, and so as I walked I started to mull over the idea of just why I shed some tears the other day. At first I decided that it was just because it has been a hard couple of weeks, and that my emotions had caught up with me, but that didn't sit quite right with me. Next I blamed it on the fact that I haven't had much to do, and so I was just overreacting to something because I have been so sedentary lately. Again, this didn't sit right, because as I have just said I am an introvert and I love nothing more than to sit at home and recharge some nights. Finally, I realized just what has been irking me: I am stuck in the middle.

At the moment, I am off track from most people around me. I'm finishing my undergrad in the spring, whereas most of my class mates finished in April. I'm coming up on my first anniversary, unlike most of my friends who are either single, fresh newlyweds, or marriage veterans with a kid or two. While everyone seems to be finishing up the phase of "figuring it all out", Scott and I seem to be stuck in it, with no near sight of getting out. We are very much in a time where no adventure has started, and no future adventure seems to be coming up any time soon. For this, I started to feel very sad and bitter about things. I felt stuck, and bored, and mostly just left behind on things. I wished that we could be working, and have kids, and heaven forbid even a house (a real house!).

I thought this over for quite some time, then decided to finally head home. All afternoon I let myself feel more and more sorry for just how "middle-y" mine and Scott's life is, until I saw this:

A tiny little playlist that Scott probably didn't think twice about making, just for me. Three songs that define his love for me. I snapped out of my introspective "sharpness", and I thought of that song 'Stuck in the Middle With You'.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face

No idea the meaning of that song, but those lyrics were a comfort at the time. Scott and I are in a time where we are seemingly 'stuck in the middle', with a lot of beginnings and endings ahead of us, but I realized there is something comforting about the middle. It's relaxed, and it's warm, and it's safe. And best of all, he keeps a smile on my face. As our first anniversary comes up, I feel honoured to be stuck with Scott anywhere.

Especially the middle.

Mufasa, Mufasa!

Tonight I was trying to cook us some dinner. It's Sunday, and so that means I have taken the obligatory weekly shower and let my hair air dry. Scott must have noticed how the steam from the food was blowing my hair up like a balloon, because he informs me, "Man Kels, your hair is really frizzy right now!" I reply that it's Sunday night and that I shouldn't even have to wear clothes if I don't feel like it; I'm quite sassy on Sunday nights. I return to the food, and he disappears somewhere.

I kid you not, a few minutes later, I feel a brush being pulled through my hair.

I guess the mane was just too much for poor Scotty.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. The kid has such good, hurtful intentions. ;)

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Life Lessons Lately

I cannot even count the number of times I have logged onto this blog, started a vent session in this little white box, and then quietly closed it. Where have I been the last two months you ask? I have been in what I currently call my fast forward mode. Every once and a while, as farther apart as they seem to be getting, my brain flips a switch and I just. can't. stop. Literally, it never stops. Scott affectionately calls this beast mode, though I think he's referring to some type of gaming thing that I'm completely unaware of. Nevertheless, I have been running in one spot for the past two months, and I'm exhausted: emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it! I have lost the ability to relax, to reflect, and to just sit the freak down.  I'm also lacking the ability to purge myself of, well, myself, in writing. I start a sentence, and then my brain sounds the alarm that I have bigger fish to fry. Unfortunately, this has resulted in me having absolutely zero release in the last two months. There are so many things I've wanted to talk about! So many! But instead I fill myself with things that need to be done now, and so everything else gets pushed to the "later" category in my brain.

Anyways, super long introduction there, but tonight I turned off the part of my brain that I have begun to loathe, and I opened up this window. I've sat here for an hour, and thankfully I was able to just think. Of the critical variety. Man, I love critical thinking. I could preach all day about critical thinking! It doesn't help I'm a teacher, so I have basically been brainwashed into loving it, but today I was grateful for it because it made me ask "why". Why do I do everything in my life? Why do I watch Jeopardy every night? (Okay, most obvious answer ever)

(Actually- tangent again- tonight I watched this old lady who has been watching Jeopardy for like 30 years faithfully and she finally was on it and she was a teacher. I wanted to be her so bad... But you know, she really screwed up final jeopardy. Never bid too high I tell ya!)

But yes, critical thinking. As I started asking a lot of questions, I realized that there are so many things that I have learned this past two months that I have been completely oblivious to. Let me now make a nice little list, and share my new found discoveries. Proceed.

1. Trust yo'self!

Seriously, I just need to trust myself. I tend to second guess myself. Can I pull off red lipstick? Have I suddenly started walking weird, or is it just that I thought about this, and am now walking weird...? (is that just me that does that?) In terms of school, I have had a lot of colleagues and mentors tell me that I have the "thing". The "thing" that teachers need to be successful. They watch me teach and congratulate me after, and I'm all like: "But wait, did you just see what I just saw? Because that was not good..." To which they reply: "If you don't trust in your ability, you will never see yourself succeed." That quote will be on Pinterest someday it's just that darn good.

2. I cannot do everything myself.

Before starting this semester, I told Scott that it would be hard on us. I had my placement, I saw how rough the situation was, and I prepared for the worst. Well, my expectations were not accurate. I was blown out of the water in a not so good way. After the first few weeks, I had a student go ballistic and call me some vulgar terms. It was a "straw breaking the camel's back" moment. I put on a straight face, and dealt with the situation, only to feel awful after. I went home later, took one look at Scott, and cried my eyes out. I was sad about the situation my students are in, and the difficulties they face everyday, and realized just how useless I am in fixing those problems. But, looking back, that experience needed to happen. I needed to learn that I cannot deal with my problems alone. I needed Scott at that moment. So grateful I have a husband. 50 points to Gryffindor!... er... I mean marriage!

3. Sometimes you just need to throw the book out the window.

Some days it is necessary to melt chocolate chips in a cup and eat it with a spoon. I have found this to be a great coping mechanism. Cheap therapy! Also, popcorn. Also again, really crappy movies. I need to stop thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing, and just bleeping do what I feel at the moment. The other day I was teaching a lesson, and I decided, "Hey I'm gonna tell the story about when my friends drove into a giant hole because I feel like it!" Best decision I've ever made. Sometimes it doesn't matter if your kids, or yourself, aren't on the straight path to success. Sometimes you need to take a quick detour, eat some food and see some friends, and then get back on your merry way to keep your sanity. Maybe it's the Buddhists I'm surrounded by at school, but I'm really into the idea of having a "path" that has been specially designed for me. There is no general manual for happiness and success.

Anways, if you made it this long I truly want to congratulate you. I will step off my soap box, and go watch some chick flick with Matthew McConaughey in it.

Oh, and P.S. How gross does he look in that new movie about aids? Is it any good? Scott and I need a new film to fall in love with. Feel free to suggest us something to watch!

Mrs. A, out.

Big thanks to Sara, because I saw in my news feed she blogged, and then I remembered I have one of these.