Life Lessons Lately

I cannot even count the number of times I have logged onto this blog, started a vent session in this little white box, and then quietly closed it. Where have I been the last two months you ask? I have been in what I currently call my fast forward mode. Every once and a while, as farther apart as they seem to be getting, my brain flips a switch and I just. can't. stop. Literally, it never stops. Scott affectionately calls this beast mode, though I think he's referring to some type of gaming thing that I'm completely unaware of. Nevertheless, I have been running in one spot for the past two months, and I'm exhausted: emotionally, physically, mentally, you name it! I have lost the ability to relax, to reflect, and to just sit the freak down.  I'm also lacking the ability to purge myself of, well, myself, in writing. I start a sentence, and then my brain sounds the alarm that I have bigger fish to fry. Unfortunately, this has resulted in me having absolutely zero release in the last two months. There are so many things I've wanted to talk about! So many! But instead I fill myself with things that need to be done now, and so everything else gets pushed to the "later" category in my brain.

Anyways, super long introduction there, but tonight I turned off the part of my brain that I have begun to loathe, and I opened up this window. I've sat here for an hour, and thankfully I was able to just think. Of the critical variety. Man, I love critical thinking. I could preach all day about critical thinking! It doesn't help I'm a teacher, so I have basically been brainwashed into loving it, but today I was grateful for it because it made me ask "why". Why do I do everything in my life? Why do I watch Jeopardy every night? (Okay, most obvious answer ever)

(Actually- tangent again- tonight I watched this old lady who has been watching Jeopardy for like 30 years faithfully and she finally was on it and she was a teacher. I wanted to be her so bad... But you know, she really screwed up final jeopardy. Never bid too high I tell ya!)

But yes, critical thinking. As I started asking a lot of questions, I realized that there are so many things that I have learned this past two months that I have been completely oblivious to. Let me now make a nice little list, and share my new found discoveries. Proceed.

1. Trust yo'self!

Seriously, I just need to trust myself. I tend to second guess myself. Can I pull off red lipstick? Have I suddenly started walking weird, or is it just that I thought about this, and am now walking weird...? (is that just me that does that?) In terms of school, I have had a lot of colleagues and mentors tell me that I have the "thing". The "thing" that teachers need to be successful. They watch me teach and congratulate me after, and I'm all like: "But wait, did you just see what I just saw? Because that was not good..." To which they reply: "If you don't trust in your ability, you will never see yourself succeed." That quote will be on Pinterest someday it's just that darn good.

2. I cannot do everything myself.

Before starting this semester, I told Scott that it would be hard on us. I had my placement, I saw how rough the situation was, and I prepared for the worst. Well, my expectations were not accurate. I was blown out of the water in a not so good way. After the first few weeks, I had a student go ballistic and call me some vulgar terms. It was a "straw breaking the camel's back" moment. I put on a straight face, and dealt with the situation, only to feel awful after. I went home later, took one look at Scott, and cried my eyes out. I was sad about the situation my students are in, and the difficulties they face everyday, and realized just how useless I am in fixing those problems. But, looking back, that experience needed to happen. I needed to learn that I cannot deal with my problems alone. I needed Scott at that moment. So grateful I have a husband. 50 points to Gryffindor!... er... I mean marriage!

3. Sometimes you just need to throw the book out the window.

Some days it is necessary to melt chocolate chips in a cup and eat it with a spoon. I have found this to be a great coping mechanism. Cheap therapy! Also, popcorn. Also again, really crappy movies. I need to stop thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing, and just bleeping do what I feel at the moment. The other day I was teaching a lesson, and I decided, "Hey I'm gonna tell the story about when my friends drove into a giant hole because I feel like it!" Best decision I've ever made. Sometimes it doesn't matter if your kids, or yourself, aren't on the straight path to success. Sometimes you need to take a quick detour, eat some food and see some friends, and then get back on your merry way to keep your sanity. Maybe it's the Buddhists I'm surrounded by at school, but I'm really into the idea of having a "path" that has been specially designed for me. There is no general manual for happiness and success.

Anways, if you made it this long I truly want to congratulate you. I will step off my soap box, and go watch some chick flick with Matthew McConaughey in it.

Oh, and P.S. How gross does he look in that new movie about aids? Is it any good? Scott and I need a new film to fall in love with. Feel free to suggest us something to watch!

Mrs. A, out.

Big thanks to Sara, because I saw in my news feed she blogged, and then I remembered I have one of these. 

A Cheesy School Assignment

My mother took this picture of me as we prepared to leave what we affectionately called “The Mouse House”. Given that name due to a story too horrific to share, we lived there until my parents decided it was time to move from our dainty little farmhouse into “town”.  Every time I see this picture my mind turns to a fluffy pink chair I would lounge in, and the mushroom soup I was oddly obsessed with. I was uncomfortable wearing pants, as you can tell from the photograph, and throughout my childhood I continued to have a great aversion for this one piece of clothing. I will admit this once got me in trouble, when I had somehow locked my sisters and myself out of our house in the middle of the winter, forcing them to tow me over to the neighbours bare thighs and all. I don't want to admit how old I was when this happened.

Apart from some humorous stories, this house also holds precious memories of learning. Here I learned basic mathematics. If you have one mommy cat, and one daddy cat, together they will equal more kittens than you can count. I learned some hairdressing, as you can see from my bangs, and so did my mother, as she tried to fix my mistakes. It was while living in this house that I learned to ride a horse, the seasons of planting and harvesting, and that you will break your collarbone if you try to jump from a kitchen table to the couch across the room in one swift leap of faith.

Above all though, it is in this house that I began to learn to read, my favourite pastime. When my mother would bring out the warm towels from the dryer and ask my dad and I to fold them, we would quickly jump into the pile and read Dr. Seuss books until the heat was gone. This house is far and distant in my memories, yet I hold onto it dearly. Despite being young, I remember packing up the car, holding our cat in my lap, and slowly pulling out of the driveway. When I left that warm and isolated home, I left it fondly, and with thoughts of the elephant Horton, eggs and ham of the green variety, and the smell of the prairies on my clothing.

Settling Into Things

I should be studying right now, but I hit a wall about an hour ago and I can't seem to get any will power back. I blame the fact that I wrote two finals today, 3 in class essays and passage citing (blehhhh), and it resulted in a blister on my pinky from rubbing on the paper as I frantically wrote the fastest I could. Being in English is super easy for the most part, there I said it, but then I remember the finals, and the horrible hours spent throwing everything I know onto a piece of paper. Those are the worst. There have been times when my hand has straight up cramped out, only to look at my professor smiling sweetly at my pain. At these moments I simply switch to my left hand and laugh over the struggle they'll have deciphering what I'm trying to write...

Anyways.

On a completely different note, Scott and I decided we are over the honeymoon phase. Is that a weird conversation or what? We were both studying the other night, and our desperation levels must have been guinness world record high, because suddenly laying on our bed, talking about anything, and guessing where each other hid the Christmas presents seemed like a night out on the town. As we laid there promising each other with our pinkies that we wouldn't start watching New Girl on Netflix until we both were done exams (I am ashamed to admit I did not keep this promise), Scott turned to me and started asking me questions.

"If you could eat anything for the rest of your life what would it be?" Uhh, anything that's bad for me.

"What was your favourite part about our wedding day?" Mmmm, the wedding part?

As we laid there, asking each other questions, we started to reminisce about our relationship. We talked about the first time we met, and when I gave Scott his first kiss (yeah, I definitely initiated that act…), and when he came home, and when he proposed. We talked and talked, looking back at everything, and suddenly we talked all the way up to the present. We talked about our relationship, and were both amazed to realize how far we've come. I look back at when we were first pronounced man and wife, and feeling like I knew everything about this guy. If only I could have fast forwarded to the next day when I realized Scott does not close the bathroom door…

At that moment, sitting on our bed, we both had a moment of feeling well acquainted. Reading my mind, Scott said, "I'm so glad we're not in the honeymoon phase anymore." I have to agree. I feel like Scott and I have finally started settling into things. When we were first married there was a lot of adjustment on my part, but we're really starting to get the hang of things. I'm a pouter, but now every time I try to put on the cold shoulder and pucker my lip, I can't keep a straight face for the life of me. I also used to be the queen of shut outs, but now we both realize it's pretty much futile and usually settle things over a big bowl of popcorn. Dill pickle seasoning mandatory. Always. I take pride in the fact that I am becoming less of a brat, and I have to give all of the credit to marriage.

As I mulled this information over, I turned to Scott and said, "You know, I love you in a totally different way than when I first married you." It's true, too. I don't know about anyone else, but suddenly one day you look at your spouse and you realize that you love them for a lot more than you can comprehend. It's actually overwhelming. When I first got married the excitement of everything being new fuelled a lot of my love, but now it's the consistent, everyday things that I love. I've settled comfortably into my feelings, and there's the distinct feeling that there's no going back from this. I couldn't undo this if I wanted to, and it's oddly unsettling and comforting all at the same time.

So, in conclusion, we have successfully moved into the "settling in" phase of our marriage, and it feels really nice. Even though Scott drives me crazy sometimes, and even though I can't for the life of me remember to fold the laundry that has been sitting in the hamper for 5 days, there's strange comfort in these quirks and the fact that they're probably never going to change… Sorry Scott.

I don't know why I feel like I always need to upload a picture? It's a problem, really.